I had a nine week maternity leave. I had to go back to work – for the money and because I loved what I did for my life’s work. Somehow I thought I could have it all and do it really, really well.
I was due back to direct a Theatre IV touring production about the dangers of substance abuse called Walking the Line. So I placed my daughter in a sling and set out to direct the show like a deranged kangaroo punch-drunk from lack of sleep. The lack of sleep a new parent experiences should never be underestimated. There I was blocking “the walking of the line” only to feel a warm gush of liquid inside the sling. See I was a mom who decided to save the planet by placing my child in cloth diapers (obviously I didn’t save us from our present climate crisis but she never did get diaper rash) and the fit on those diapers can sometimes be a tad loose. I paused – told the cast I needed 10 – ran into the bathroom with the diaper bag – only to discover – yup – no diapers. No baby wipes. No change of clothes. Nadda. So I held my little poo-covered daughter under the spout and did my best.
We do our best. We do our best even though, at times, we know our best is falling really, really short. We just keep doing our best. Molly Smith Metzler’s four characters in Cry it Out – are doing their best. There are two men mentioned in the play who are the fathers of two of the babies and they are also doing their best.
Directing a play, in my humble opinion, is about two questions “Why?” and “How?” You have to keep asking yourself that every minute you are on stage. I also think that’s true of life – and certainly true of parenthood. “How am I going to pursue the career I love and take care of my child?” “How am I going to afford all the things my child needs?” “Why don’t I have paid leave?” “Why am I existing between survival and guilt?”
Those are just a few of my personal favorites that I can recall muttering to myself when I had my beautiful baby.
By the way – she came to see the play and as the lights came up she was crying. She said she was deeply touched. Yeah – she was raised in the theatre so she is a lover of stories…..but…..
You know what …..
I realized I didn’t ask her “Why?”
Why was she touched even though she had not experienced motherhood yet?
Well – of course it’s Molly’s beautiful play. It speaks to being a new parent but it also speaks to us as daughters and sons, as grandparents, as people who are choosing not to have children, it speaks to getting up every day and choosing community – a community that nurtures and holds each other up. It speaks to doing our best. Or at least trying to do our best.
So – yeah. I loved directing this play.
Oh and that beautiful baby I had? She survived those poo-encrusted days and is figuring things out with the rest of us at the ripe old age of 28.
